Short answer: get them.

Long answer: I have spent quite some time on new meds, I was full of doubts, but now that enough time has passed, I have something to say.

Before I was hesitant to try to go on antidepressants again, even though I was diagnosed with chronic depression with recurring episodes since childhood (which in retrospective is stupid, but a depressed person will do all sorts of mental gymnastics to avoid treating depression), but I'd been thinking about getting them pretty often anyways. I desperately tried to rely on my coping mechanisms that worked fine before or a couple of therapy sessions, but my energy just kept being drained with nothing good in return. A good psychologist advised me to take a walk almost every day, but it just broke me instead, though I do love walking.

I felt miserable. I felt like I want to be hit by a car at least once a week. I felt like we're all perpetually doomed and have no chance for a good future. I felt like my art had regressed, like as if I was getting worse. But you know what actually got worse? My intrusive thoughts. I thought that I secretly want to abandon my family because I felt like I wasn't grateful enough. I thought that I have mental disorders I'm not yet aware of. It's all not true though. It was my depression speaking.

I don't want to shit on talk therapy. I think that talk therapy can do wonders sometimes. Even on meds it's still required to relearn everything you've been told of in childhood.

My psychologist, however, said a good metaphor:

"You can beat depression with no meds. It will be like walking a very long distance. However, switching to bicycle will get you there faster"

It's not the 100% correct quote, but the point was that you need to realize when it's time to switch to the bicycle, i.e. meds. And I'd been walking for way too long.

It's difficult to start taking meds, especially if you previously had not so good interactions either with drugs themselves or psychiatrist. Your brain thinks it will continue to happen because of the association with that. My previous antidepressants made my anxiety less, but brought nasty skin rash that needed a cortisone shot to make it go away. And the worst part was that it didn't treat my depression. I tapered off by myself because psych ignored my messages and I'd been going for 2 years with no meds feeling "fine". My depression symptoms seemed not serious enough to me to treat with drugs, so I thought,

"Why bother? Like yeah, I feel irritable and ashamed of myself, but I still function, right? Maybe it's just my personality and I need to improve myself"

So, with the mental gymnastics like this, the change was made only when my family told me that I need to get back on meds.

I wish I understood it sooner, LOL, I really feel stupid a bit that it took a long time for me to get new drugs. That's why I want to help doubtful folks a bit with finding out. Here are some questions you can ask yourself before making a decision (mainly will cover depression, because can't speak for other disorders):

• Have your family or close ones noticed changes in you? Do they feel worried?
• Do you feel empty, hollow, "neutral" or apathetic often or all the time?
• If you do keep a mood journal, compare current entries with an old ones (I mean months old). Are your current entries more negative or unstable? Why? Try to reflect on that
• Do you wish you were dead at least once a week, even when you in no way don't actually plan this, even when you think it's not serious? Mentioning this because this counts as suicidality, a passive one to be exact
• Do you just have a gut feeling that something is wrong with you? If yes, discuss with your close ones
• Do you have a history of treating mental disorders? If yes, are they prone to relapse?
• Do you engage in self-harm? Note: doomscrolling to make yourself feel bad counts

If you answered to the most yes, well... I have some news for you—

This is not an extensive list, but I hope it's informative enough. Having family or just second opinion in general helps a lot. However, please, do not use chat GPT and other AI chatbots as a friend or therapist. It will say only what you want it to say and it doesn't understand crucial contexts (if you ask it for a nearest bridge address, it will gladly find it for you). I understand that you may not trust people at all, but this shit will make your conditions worse and influence you to make decisions you will later regret making. Get yourself a person who cares, then your chances of recovery will improve. It all will get better soon.

And please take the pills.